


It's A Wonderful Life, Alec Lightwood

by Followmeintotheshadows



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Universe, Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-30 23:44:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13962651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Followmeintotheshadows/pseuds/Followmeintotheshadows
Summary: Alec Lightwood is feeling as low as he possibly can, his past mistakes making him question his reason for living. After a surprise demon attack at the Institute, Alec is shown that he is indeed needed and most of all, loved.





	It's A Wonderful Life, Alec Lightwood

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Shadowhunters Hiatus Bang S3 Collection
> 
> Thank you la_muerta for your experienced guidance and thank you Lillithorn for your kindness and encouragement throughout this process.

Chapter One

 

“Again!” Jace challenged Alec, sending his seraph blade skidding across the hardwood floor. “How about a little hand-to-hand?” he asked, putting his fists up in front of his face, as he shuffled his feet from side to side. 

“Bring it, Wayland,” Alec countered with a quick forward lunge and uppercut to Jace’s chin. He let his own blade fall with a loud thud, looking down for a split second to kick it away with his heavy boots.

That was Alec’s one grave error, as Jace came back at him with a roundhouse kick to his stomach, followed by a quick jab to his face before he even knew what hit him.

Alec fell hard onto the wood floor of the training room, the taste of iron on his lips, now swollen and split open from Jace’s fist. Three sets of eyes stared at him in surprise as he brushed the back of his hand across his bloody lip, fixated on the contrast of red against his pale skin. His gaze lingered on his hand, turning it over, as he staggered to get up, trying to shake the cobwebs.

“What the hell, Lightwood, weren’t you paying attention? Never take your eye off the target,” Jace teased. “Is the new Head of the Institute getting soft?”

“Fuck off, Jace,” Alec spat out, snatching his bow and quiver. “A deal is a deal, my turn to patrol.” He caught a glance of Izzy’s sympathetic face as he lurched towards the door leading to the stairway, catching his own reflection in the glass, not recognizing the sunken eyes staring back at him.

“Alec, wait,” Jace paused, “I’ll go.”

But it was already too late. The door slammed, its thick glass rattling against the metal frame, and Alec was gone before they could argue about it.

“What the hell is his problem?” Jace turned to Izzy and Clary, who had paused their workout because of the sudden fight.

“What did you think would happen when Magnus found out that Alec lied to him about the Soul sword?” asked Izzy.

“Shit, he already beat himself up enough. He blames himself for not knowing that Azazel trapped Magnus in Valentine’s body. I’m sure he feels responsible for Magnus’s torture.” Jace punched the body bag in frustration, “Damn, and they were just starting to be okay again. Alec was finally happy, able to be himself,” he turned towards the door, rubbing the back of his neck. “I should have felt something was up. I’ll go talk to him.”

“Believe me, I’ve tried, just give him some time, Jace,” Izzy urged, grabbing his arm. “You know our brother likes to brood and it’s not like we wrote the textbook on love,” she laughed, looking at Clary. “Besides, you promised us that you would show us those new moves you keep bragging about.”

One hundred and fifty-six fucking steps to the roof. Alec knew them well enough, his punishment for his mistakes since he was a boy. ” _Not good enough, not good enough_ , _not good enough_ ,” the words repeated in his head as he sprinted each step, the muscles in his legs straining from abuse as he climbed. “ _Emotions_ _make_ _you weak,_ ” his parent’s words drilled into his head, fueling his anger as he ran. Alexander Gideon Lightwood, firstborn son, destined to lead, always do the right thing, and never stray from his course. Where was he now? He was nothing but a jumbled mess of emotions, a disgrace to his family name. Mr. Straight and Narrow wasn’t so straight after all, he almost laughed at the irony.

Heavy boots clomped up each step as Alec inhaled the smell of metal and wood, the walls of the only home he’d ever known closing in on him. The echoing stairwell seemed so much more confining than he remembered; his thoughts scattering like cockroaches racing from the light, into the darkest recesses of his mind. Jace was just being Jace, he was used to it, being his brother and parabatai. But sometimes he wished he could slap that cocky grin off of his face and put him in his place. Alec shook his head, immediately feeling ashamed for thinking that way. The frequent arguments they had lately grated on his conscience. Alec couldn’t fault Jace for having feelings for Clary and wanting to help her. He knew that Jace saw himself in her, a lost stray, thrown into a cruel, ruthless world. Maybe they’d be better off without him.

His lungs expanded as he continued his ascent, listening to each exhale as if it belonged to someone else. Keeping a steady pace, he thought he could outrun his demons. But the betrayal on Magnus’s face stalked him, the cold wall slammed up around his heart, shutting down Alec’s wish to make things right. The moment the light had left Magnus’s eyes, Alec knew he had hurt him beyond reparation, his lie had vanquished all they had overcome. Why would a centuries-old warlock love an inexperienced, insecure fool like him anyway? He saw the door slam in his face, over and over in his mind, a part of himself dying inside the night that Magnus ended things between them. But he had screwed up too many times, choosing duty over what was in his heart. He didn’t deserve love. It still didn’t stop Alec from missing Magnus more than he ever thought possible, feeling like a hole had punctured his chest, a physical void draining out his very soul.

Two more flights to go, he pressed on, his chest crushed by pain, a burning in his throat making it hard to breathe. He reached the top, crashing the heavy door closed, just wanting to shut out the world. But even at the top, Alec felt he was as low as he could go, any hope feeling a million miles away. With his hands on his knees, he bent over, panting out heavy breaths, the sweat dripping from his brow. His tongue still tasted blood, now caked on his fat lip, his pulse drumming through it. He looked down at his hand again, still stained red, sparking horrific memories. He saw Jocelyn’s wide-eyed terror gaping back at him as he ripped her heart out with his bare hands. Even possessed by a demon, he felt a guilt that not even the best glamour could disguise. He was weak. Alec whipped out an arrow and shot it into the sky, a futile effort to kill the ghosts that plagued him. _Whoosh_ , another one followed to silence Clary’s horrifying scream when she found her mother’s body twisted and splayed in unwarranted persecution. No matter how many times she told him that it wasn’t his fault, he still couldn’t shake it. He was unforgivable.

Alec paced back and forth, running his fingers through his damp hair, the crisp decay of the late autumn air filling his lungs. His skin crawled from the sweat slowly drying on his skin, sending shivers through his bones, only causing his body to feel even more. He sent another arrow flying, ricocheting off of the rooftop spires, the eerie shadows of the Institute’s gothic turrets mocking him. Another, and another, and another, until more blood was oozing from his hands, convinced it still wasn’t enough to atone for his sins. He rubbed the smooth wood of his bow grip, trying to find an ounce of comfort in its familiarity. But the cracks in his fingertips screamed in pain, his nerve endings exposed to the cold night air invading his body. Black clouds hovered like demons, obscuring the New York City skyline, taunting Alec as he closed his eyes desperately trying to block out his dark thoughts. So lost in them, he didn’t notice the fog closing in, reaching down into his very heart, filling it with hopelessness. He thought he could escape, but nothing felt right up there, each step feeling unsure. The wind picked up, pushing him towards the edge, the roar of the mundane world below unnerving. He was invisible to the world, stumbling to the end of the rooftop like an errant thread, slowly unraveling, with nothing left to hold himself together. Alec’s boots scraped against the hard slate, kicking up a small stone, sending it plummeting into the street below. Down, down, down, the stone fell a million depths into the darkness, his eyes trying to follow its path. That stone, so hardened and cold, not feeling anymore, not hurting anyone anymore. Alec inched closer to the edge, drawing the cool night air deep into his chest, breathing in his acceptance. He took one last look into the sky, now totally engulfed in darkness, as he raised his eyes towards the Heavens, whispering his final plea to the angels. “Please forgive me.”

A shrill screech of an achaieral demon pierced the dismal night, its sharp, poisoned talons plunging into Alec from behind. Searing pain jolted him from his baneful thoughts as his body crashed onto the rooftop gravel, just inches from the edge. With Shadowhunter reflexes, he flipped onto his back, grabbed his bow, nocked an arrow, and aimed straight for the demon’s heart. One last mournful wail filled the restless sky, as ashes rained down upon Alec’s lacerated body. He rolled to his side wincing, a salty, metallic taste in his throat, the blood spilling from his mouth pooling onto the frosty rooftop. He coughed as the pain in his back turned fiery, scorching his skin as he writhed, the choking blood silencing his calls for help with garbled breaths. The poison spread like acid burning through his veins, filling his bloodstream with toxic fire. Alec couldn’t reach his stele to trace a healing rune, embracing the pain as punishment for his mistakes, as he slowly faded. Blazing heat turned icy cold as his body lay shivering on the coarse gravel, his mind slipping in and out of consciousness, surrendering to the emptiness. The voices in his head were quieting, as he fell deeper and deeper into the void, until there was nothing but darkness.

Magnus portaled to the Institute’s training room, appearing disheveled and panicked as soon as he felt the rift in his protective wards. Jace, Clary, and Izzy froze in surprise with their weapons raised as soon as he came through.

“Something has breached the wards around the Institute!” Magnus announced with trepidation. “I need to fortify them!” his crazed eyes searching the room. “Where’s Alexander?!” he shouted, his heart sinking in his chest.

“The roof!” the four of them exclaimed at the same time, running out of the door and towards the rooftop.

Alec saw a bright light, his body feeling weightless, and was surprised that all the pain was gone. Dragging himself up, he shielded his eyes with his arm as his body floated up towards the light above the roof. Looking down, he could see his lifeless body, rust blood pooled in eerie shapes on the ground beside it, his face an ashen gray. A sense of peace and warmth surrounded Alec as he observed the gory scene, when he realized he was not alone. An ethereal figure, floating in a haze of white lightly touched his arm. He recognized him as the Warlock Ragnor Fell, his green-tinged skin and pointed horns unmistakable. He had heard many amusing stories about Ragnor from Magnus, knowing that Magnus was devastated when his old friend had died in his arms. “Ragnor, am I d-dead?” Alec gulped hard, knowing that seeing spirits couldn’t possibly be a good sign.

“That, Alexander Lightwood, is entirely up to you,” he answered, his eyes full of compassion and wisdom. “But first, you need to see what life would be like without you.”

 

 

Chapter Two

 

The Hunter’s Moon smelled of stale beer and heartache, its neon signs a beacon to all trying to find solace that only a shot of good whiskey could deliver. The pool tables were occupied; the knocking of cue balls, clinking glasses, and haunting indie music permeated the room. The dark scene was familiar. Alec’s eyes examined the dimly lit bar, wondering why Ragnor had brought him here, when he saw a body hunched over the polished wooden counter. He barely recognized the broken man in front of him, but there was no mistaking their tethered souls, the agonizing sorrow flowing through their bond. Alec gasped, suddenly unable to breathe, his chest tightening as he took in the surreal scene.

Lifting his head like he was carrying the weight of the world, Jace ran his fingers through his dirty blonde hair, slurring to the bartender. “I, I think I’ll have another shot.”

“Like hell you will, Shadowhunter,” Maia retorted, but with a look of pity in her eyes. Throwing a towel over her shoulder, she lightly touched his arm. “Really Jace, you’ve had enough, can you please have Clary come bring you home?”

Jace jerked his arm back, almost falling off the barstool, and grabbed what was left of his drink. Stumbling over to a corner booth, he sunk down, his free arm wrapped around his body, unconsciously rubbing a phantom pain in his side. His downcast eyes were bloodshot, his face unshaven, the anguish on his face unquestionable. Alec watched, straining to listen as Jace’s lips moved, his head in his hands, his brow creased, and his glassy eyes filled with tears.

Jace’s voice cracked as incessant words muttered from his lips, “Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried. The Angel do so to me, and more also, If aught but death part thee and me.”

Alec’s heart tightened as soon as he heard the words of the parabatai oath. He wanted to reach out to comfort his brother, but Ragnor’s arm held him back. “They cannot see or hear you Alec, just watch…”

A strong gust of wind blew in from the bitterly cold night as Clary entered the bar, her eyes searching the dim light. She saw the concerned look on Maia’s face, the bartender glancing in Jace’s direction with a nod of her head. Clary approached the booth cautiously, not wanting to spook Jace, knowing the shattered state he was in. His head was down, resting on one arm, words still rambling from his lips.

“Jace, let’s go home,” she requested, lightly touching his shoulder. “We need you at the Institute,” she tried to reason. “I need you,” her whispered voice fading with each word.

Crazed, bloodshot eyes shot up from his tortured trance, “Just leave me alone Clary! Why can’t you just let me be?” Jace retaliated with clenched teeth, twisting his body away.

“Please Jace, you can’t keep doing this to yourself, it’s not going to bring him back,” she pleaded.

“Do what Clary? You know as well as I do that it should have been me on that roof! It was my turn to patrol. All I can see is his blood, the cold lifeless body of my brother, the pain on his face... I can’t get it out of my head! It is my fault, Clary, don’t you get it? I was his parabatai! I should have known something was wrong, that Alec was hurting,” he paused, unsure if he should continue, “but I was too busy wrapped up with you!” The words came out biting, hanging in the air like a noose. Jace put his head back down, rubbing his side again, “Just leave me alone,” he mumbled, “or make yourself useful and get me another drink.”

Clary turned on her heels, her shoulders defeated, tired of fighting the same battle. She pulled her jacket tighter, tears threatening to spill from her eyes, and walked out into the frigid night.

“No, no, this can’t be!” Alec watched in disbelief, his heart sinking in his chest. “Ragnor, please let me go to him, I need to help him, need to make this right,” Alec begged.

“Not yet, my dear man, there is more you need to see.”

 

Chapter Three

 

“ _Black for hunting through the night, For death and mourning, the color’s white” – a Shadowhunter’s nursery rhyme_

 

 

Ragnor brought Alec to the gardens of the Institute, usually a treasured sanctuary where he would always find peace. Snow covered the grass, still falling lightly, floating in ghostly wisps around the vacant grounds. There were no flowers blooming, no birds singing, no butterflies dancing among the bushes. The fountains were frozen in time, the benches cold as concrete. Trees were barren, their arms outstretched to the heavens longing for resurrection. The Institute walls loomed over the lifeless scene, the clouds lingering at its peaks, threatening to unleash a storm. They traveled along the garden path, following the sweet smell of blood-red roses, so strong it penetrated the frigid air.

They stopped dead in their tracks as they came upon a clearing, a couple of unwilling spectators to a sea of white suits. Downcast eyes encircled a body bound in white silk, his eyes covered, as if it could shield this poor lost soul from facing any more horror. The soldier lay with arms crossed over his chest, a seraph blade clutched in his right hand resting over his heart. The flicker of candles surrounded the funeral pyre, projecting sorrowful shadows on the faces of the grieved as nightfall closed in. The solemn chant of “Ave Atque Vale, hail and farewell” echoed as the mourners lined up to pay their last respects.

Shadowhunter’s funeral rites were not new to Alec, but nothing could have prepared him for what he was witnessing. Downhearted faces of his family, friends, and fellow warriors surrounded the somber scene, but he could only focus on one. Alec’s heart leapt from his chest when he saw his beloved sister towards the back of the crowd. Isabelle’s usual bright brown eyes were glazed, bleak, and filled with tears, her skin as pale as the ground around her.

“Always dress like you’re going to slay your worst enemy,” he remembered her play on words with a slight smile. She could fight in six-inch designer heels, crack her whip, slash her seraph blade, and slay any demon without getting a drop of ichor on her. This Izzy was a shell of his fiery sister. The last time he saw her like this she was strung out on yin fen after the demon attack at the Institute.

Alec watched paralyzed as she staggered towards the corpse, her shoulders slouched, dark brittle hair falling around her eyes in a vain attempt to mask her grief. Clutching a rose so hard, its thorns pierced her fingers as blood dripped onto her white dress. Izzy let out an inappropriate laugh, a fevered expression possessing her normally flawless face. She looked down at her stained hands and dress, nervously rubbing the back of her shoulder as if her wound had reopened. Jace ran to her side, trying to regain a sense of propriety. He wrapped his arm around her middle, escorting her to the back of the empty gardens.

“Iz, not today, how could you? I thought you were off of that stuff!?” he snapped. “Who is supplying you? I swear I will burn Raphael if I find out…” his angry eyes scoured the edges of the crowd. Jace gripped her arm tightly, “Please don’t make this worse than it already is.”

Izzy clenched her teeth, her glassy eyes followed his, her hands trembling, “Downworlders aren’t allowed here, don’t you remember? Alec was working on unifying the Shadowhunters with the Downworld, but we all know how that turned out…” she stopped, choking back a trembling sob. “Oh God, Jace,” she whispered, unable to look him in the eye. “And now this?” she gestured towards the grave scene. “This last failed mission is my fault! I promised Alec…”, she stumbled, unable to finish, her thoughts all over the place, “God, I just miss him so much,” her eyes closed, trying to will the pain away.

But the floodgates had opened, sending Izzy’s mascara running in streaks down her pale face. She gazed down at the snowy ground, mesmerized as ink black tears melded into the snow. “I promised him that I would always look after my brothers,” her voice trembled as the tears kept coming. “How are we going to live without both of them?”

Just then a bell tolled, its deep ominous ring resonating off the surrounding walls, as the name of the deceased was declared in Shadowhunter tradition.

“Maxwell Joseph Lightwood, hail and farewell, we are dust and shadows.”

The pyre was lit up like a towering inferno conjured from the pits of Hell itself. Alec’s knees buckled under the weight of his grief, his bereft body sinking to the snowy ground, as the conflicting smell of charred roses filled the cold night air. Out from the shadows, the Silent Brothers emerged, staking claim to the ashes to be forever entombed in the City of Bones.

“By the Angel, Ragnor,” Alec uttered in shock, his eyes filling with tears, “I get it, p - please, no more… I don’t think I can take any more.”

“I am sorry, my friend, but I have one more thing to show you.”

 

 

Chapter Four

 

Alec inhaled deeply, the spicy scent of sandalwood filling up his weary soul, a soothing balm to his shattered heart. The soft Persian rugs, scrolled wallpaper, and antiques of Magnus’s Brooklyn loft were a welcome respite from the painful visions battering Alec’s mind. With hopeful eyes, he scanned the room, freezing on the smooth black lacquer of the closed bedroom door. It was adorned with an ornate golden dragon, flames firing from its open mouth, its sharp teeth mocking as Alec stood unmoving.

Intimate memories filled his mind, smooth silk sheets surrounding his body, Magnus’s warmth wrapped around him, a contrast so distinct, yet so perfect. Skin to skin, their hearts united in a world of acceptance and love, sharing parts of each other hidden from all others.  
Biting his bottom lip, Alec closed his eyes, yearning to see Magnus again. He couldn’t take anymore, needed to see his love, talk to him, knowing that Magnus would understand. Ragnor’s gentle hand on his shoulder stopped him from stepping towards the bedroom, just as a woman’s harsh cackle penetrated the heavy door.

“Magnus, be a love and fetch me a drink? You know just how I like it, in more ways than one…“ she taunted. “I always knew I saved you for a reason. You do remember that night in London, don’t you love? You, looking so pathetic standing on that bridge, so alone, wanting to end it all. It was I who made you see that you belong to me. I knew you wouldn’t be so heartless to abandon me to the mercies of the Clave. It didn’t take long before you came crawling back to me and realize that your thing with the Shadowhunter was just a fling.”

Alec froze, as Camille Belcourt’s sadistic tone ripped into his heart like lead shrapnel, weighing him down to his knees, trapped in a sick voyeuristic prison. “I never knew,” he whispered to himself, shaking his head, “No…no, how could it have been so bad?” He couldn’t imagine that Magnus would ever have wanted to end his own life. He wanted to break through the door and tell Magnus that he was here for him, that it was okay now, but his voice was useless. A slight click made Alec jump to his feet; his heart thundering in his chest as Magnus inched out of the bedroom and quietly closed the door.

Magnus was thinner than usual, his square jaw covered with stubble, his high cheekbones even more prominent. His hair was a spiked mess of black silk, like the robe that he wore, his bare chest exposed, lacking the normal accessories that Alec loved. Magnus lumbered across the study, without his usual grace and flair, past the well-worn books, his favorite leather chair, and stopped at the elaborate, well-stocked liquor cart. With shaky hands, he poured himself a scotch, wincing as he knocked it back in one gulp. Alec watched it travel down Magnus’s long neck, wanting so badly to touch him. It was then that Alec noticed the dark circles under his eyes, now bare of makeup - beautiful cognac eyes that had always gazed at him with love and acceptance. There was no brightness left, only a hollow void, accentuated by a stoic resignation in his chin. Magnus poured another drink and treaded to the window, the rain battering its violent assault from the sky. He stared blankly, watching streaks of water pouring down the glass, putting him in a mind-numbing trance. Thunder boomed, as a bright flash of lightning cracked the darkened sky, breaking Magnus from his daze. A shiver ran through his body, and he gulped hard as if a switch had been turned on. He reached into his robe pocket, gripping something in the palm of his hand. He rubbed it over and over unconsciously, a comfort to his resurgent grief. Leaning his forehead against the glass, he closed his eyes, crumbling under the sudden assault of feelings the thunder had ushered in. As if the storm had released a dam, Magnus’s tears fell, fusing with the unrelenting rain.

“I miss you so much, Alexander,” he whispered so low that Alec almost missed it. “I failed you, my love… I couldn’t get to you fast enough,” Magnus continued, closing his eyes, his shoulders sagging. “I am the High Warlock of Brooklyn, and I couldn’t save you. I am so sorry, my angel.”

The balcony door crashed inward, red sparks flying through the air, as rain invaded the loft. Magnus gulped down one last swig, threw his glass against the brick wall, shattering it like the splinters in his heart. The storm grew more formidable now, Alec certain that the intensity was provoked by Magnus. Grief gave way to anger, now rolling off of him in waves. His brow furrowed as he braced himself and stepped outside, straight into the raging storm. Magnus waved his arms violently, sparks flying from his fingertips, the smell of electricity and rain pervading the volatile air. Blackened clouds rumbled, the wind screamed, lightning lit up the sky in a show of rage battling despair, neither one ready to give in. He was drenched now, the rain cascading off of his tortured face as he stepped up onto the ledge.  
“COME TAKE ME!” Magnus commanded, arms outstretched, surrendering to the violent tempest. One step and he was gone.

“Magnus, NO!” Alec yelled in disbelief, his heart now shattered beyond repair, his words falling on deaf ears. Running to the balcony ledge, he stared into the darkness, not able to see through the torrent of water. He stood, unable to breathe, his body trembling as the rain pummeled his broken heart and soul. Heartbreaking sobs wracked Alec’s body as he gripped the edge of the brick wall, feeling something smooth under his hand. He picked up the omamori charm that he had given to Magnus after their trip to Tokyo. It was rain-soaked and tattered, its red dye running down Alec’s arm like blood. The symbol of luck and protection had fallen from Magnus’s hand, forever left behind, ripped and torn apart.

“Have you seen enough?” Ragnor’s question snapped Alec out of his agony.

“Please Ragnor,” Alec begged, “What do I have to do? I want to live, I need to make this right, I am so sorry, I…I want another chance. Please tell me what I have to do.”

“My good man, you must head back into the darkness and fight your way back with your heart and your soul. It is then that you may return to the ones you love and that love you. They will play a pivotal role in your plan to unite the Shadow World with the Downworld, fulfilling your greater purpose.”

Alec stood under the pouring rain, listening intently, willing to do whatever it takes to get back to his life, welcoming any hope for a second chance.

“One last thing, Alec,” Ragnor paused, “remember that even the smallest stone will cause a ripple strong enough to reach way beyond its constraining banks, touching things far beyond what the eye can see.”

With those final words, he left, rising up into a blinding whiteness, so bright that Alec had to shield his eyes. The clouds parted, the wind stopped, and Ragnor disappeared, leaving Alec cold and all alone in the still of the murky night.

 

 

Chapter Five

 

Jace, Clary, Isabelle, and Magnus had portaled to Magnus’s loft after finding Alec’s body on the rooftop. They wanted him far away from prying eyes and questions from the Clave. Discarded weapons and clothes were scattered around the bedroom. Alec’s blood-soaked clothes lay on the floor, his battered body unmoving on the crimson sheets. They tried everything they could to save him. For hours they worked, feeling hopeless, their minds and bodies succumbing to exhaustion.

Alec was floating again, away from the light this time, the darkness swallowing him whole. Ghostly demon-shaped images flew through him, all around him, bombarding his senses. Disoriented and dizzy, he saw every demon he had ever killed, their unearthly, vacant eyes staring him down, arms outstretched to take him. He knew he had to fight back but had no idea how, as he drifted, hearing muddled voices in his head. Pain assaulted Alec’s body again. His back felt like it had been ripped open, his blood was on fire, the poison still coursing through his veins. Covered in a fevered sweat, he plunged back into a dormant unconscious state in an effort to tamp down the pain, as flashes of his past came crashing back to him.

 

_Alec woke up startled in his bedroom at the Institute, the crescent moon shining a sliver of light onto the bare walls. An uneasy feeling in his gut was telling him that something was wrong. He looked over at Jace’s bed, surprised to see him missing in the middle of the night, and heard a soft crying from somewhere in the room. “Jace?” Alec quietly called for his brother, creeping out of bed so he wouldn’t bother Izzy, asleep in the adjoining room. He stumbled around the darkened room, feeling along the edge of the wall, making his way to the closet. “Jace, are you in there?” he whispered, not wanting to startle him. He opened the door slowly, letting in the faint moonlight, outlining the shape of his brother curled up on the closet floor. Jace’s eyes were wide open, his tears spilling sideways down his face. He sat upright, letting Alec wrap his arms around him until he felt his shoulders relax. “Nightmare?” Alec asked._

_Jace swallowed hard and nodded, Alec giving him a moment to collect his thoughts. “I keep seeing that poor excuse for a father break my falcon’s neck with his bare hands. The wild falcon that I took so much time to tame. I would talk to him every day, stroke his beautiful feathers, feed him from my bare hands until I got him to trust me. I was so proud,” his voice cracked, as more tears rolled down his cheek. “But that wasn’t why he gave me that bird. He wanted me to make it obedient, not make it love me. I keep seeing his trusting eyes looking up at me and that bastard took him and threw him to the ground like a piece of garbage. Those eyes haunt me, Alec.”_

_Alec squared his brother’s shoulders, both hands offering his support. “I know they do Jace, but you were just a boy. He taught you that to love is to destroy and that to be loved is to be the one destroyed. I know it’s hard to forget, but no one can hurt you anymore, I won’t let it happen,” he looked straight into Jace’s eyes. “Besides, he was wrong,” he assured._

_Jace stared up at Alec, his sly smile coming back to his face, as he took a deep breath, “Thanks, brother, you won’t tell anyone I was crying, will you?”_

_“Your secret is safe with me, Jace,” Alec smiled too. “You know that even though we don’t share the same blood, you will always be my brother. I will always be here for you and after tomorrow, it will be permanent. I don’t ever want to be in a world where we are on different sides.”_

_The next day Alec and Jace stood in front of the Council, all eyes on them at their parabatai ceremony. The grand room was dimmed, three rings drawn on the floor and the fire ready to ignite._

_“Are you ready Jace?” Alec asked, “You’re sure you want to do this?”_

_His cocky smile flashed at Alec, reassuring him with a nod of his head. “Together forever, my brother, I wouldn’t want anyone else by my side,” he affirmed._

_Alec half nodded, took Jace’s arm in his, the flames from the rings of fire now lit and biting at their legs. Heat rose all around them, burning away any apprehension Alec may have felt. Standing together in the center, their warrior forces merging, he and Jace recited the parabatai oath vowing to lay down one’s life for the other._

_“Entreat me not to leave thee, Or return from following after thee --- for whither thou goest, I will go, and where thou lodgest, I will lodge. Thy people shall be my people, and thy God, my God. Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried. The Angel do so to me, and more also, if aught but death part thee and me.”_

 

Jace repeated the oath in vain, fitting his hand into his parabatai’s. “Come on Alec, FIGHT!” he hissed, looking back over his shoulder. “Why isn’t it working?” He yelled in desperation, clinging onto Alec’s hand, willing everything into their bond as he repeated it again and again. “Please don’t leave me, Alec,” he pleaded, pressing his forehead against his brother’s.

Clary cautiously approached Jace, putting her hand softly on his shoulder, trying to comfort him. “Come on Jace, you’re exhausted… we all are. Let’s try and get some rest.”

“Clary, I’m not leaving until I know he’s okay,” Jace insisted, his voice raspy from overuse.

“That’s fine, Jace, but let’s get you something to drink. Besides, Alec wouldn’t be happy if you pass out from dehydration,” she said, giving a slight nod to Izzy. Jace gave in, standing up reluctantly, his eyes glassy and red, letting Clary put her arm around his waist and guide him out of the room.

Isabelle took a seat on the edge of the bed, her small frame barely making a dent in the mattress. Her worried eyes examined Alec’s marred back, now stitched together thanks to Magnus’s magic and Jace’s healing parabatai energy. He was sprawled out prostrate, his head sideways, arms by his side. She looked for a sign of life, anything at all, but his breathing was imperceptible, the pallor distinct on his still body. If it wasn’t for the sheen of sweat scattered along his brow, she would have thought he was gone. Izzy took his hands and gently wrapped her small ones around them, cracking a slight smile at the difference. “Hey big brother,” she said softly, sweeping the dark hair off of his forehead.

 

_Alec and Izzy were in the weapons room at the Institute, the walls adorned with every fighting instrument imaginable. Seraph blades shined, reflecting swirling colors as light pierced through the arched, stained glass windows. Swords, knives, and daggers forged by the Iron Sisters lay dormant in their cases ready for bloodshed. Alec grabbed a spiked polearm, wielding it back and forth, his fluid motions second nature. “Remember we used to sneak in here when mom and dad were fighting?” Alec asked, a mischievous smile on his face._

_“When weren’t they fighting?” Izzy scoffed. “When aren’t they now? They aren’t exactly the best role models for a loving relationship. I’m afraid they’ll arrange a marriage for me to some cold son of a Clave member. I’d rather marry a Downworlder than to be forced to marry out of duty.”_

_“You know that I’d never let that happen, Iz,” Alec affirmed._

_“I know, you’re always protecting me. But I have to fight my own battles sometimes, especially when it comes to our dear parents.” Her upper lip curled with distaste, anger now pinching her beautiful face. “There’s no way they are telling me who to love.” Izzy was silent for a few minutes, wondering if she should continue, her concern for Alec’s feelings always on her mind. “What about you, my dear brother?” she asked, raising her eyebrows at her big brother._

_“Oh come on, stop, we both know that I could never have what I want,” he looked down, rubbing the back of his neck. He snatched a bow out of its case, turning it over and over in his hand, eyeing up a phantom target, avoiding Izzy’s sympathetic eyes._

_Izzy grabbed Alec’s arm gently, “Hey, you know it’s not right, you should be able to be who you want to be.”_

_“Yeah, well, someday when I’m Head of this Institute, maybe I’ll make some changes,” he managed a slight smile. “But enough about me,” he deflected, “Today is your big day, little sis.”_

_“Alright, Alec, but I just want you to know that I’m here for you, just like you always are for me. You deserve to be happy.”_

_“I know, I know,” he nodded, putting his arm around her shoulders as they continued perusing the room._

_“Ooh, this is harder than buying a pair of designer shoes”, Izzy gleamed, back to the task at hand, “What do you think my specialty should be?”_

_“Well, since it’s your sixteenth birthday, it’s time for you to make a choice,” Alec instructed, still looking around the room. They glanced over the maces, axes, hammers, and throwing stars, the light shining off their polished perfection. “You need something less obvious, more badass... something the demons will never see coming.”_

_Izzy’s agreeing smile met Alec’s as he handed her an electrum-wire whip, its handle the shape of a serpent. “Exactly what I was thinking!” She spun around whip in hand, wrapping it around his long legs. Before he even knew what hit him, Alec came crashing to the ground._

_“I am so sorry Alec!” she laughed holding out her hand, “I guess I got carried away.”_

_“I think that’s the one,” he managed a laugh as he grabbed her hand, the pride and love in his voice undeniable. “Happy birthday, sis! Let’s go show Jace.”_

 

Izzy held on to Alec’s hand, tears threatening to spill from her big, brown eyes. “We can’t do this without you, Alec. You are the best leader the Institute has seen in decades, the Downworld is finally coming together, Max has almost completed his training, heck even mom and dad are starting to accept the fact that you and Magnus might be a real thing.” Izzy paused trying to keep her emotions in check, “Please Alec, we need you to fight for all that you have started. You need to know that you are not alone, we are all here to support you.”

She sighed, bringing her lips to the back of his hand. “I’m going to let you rest now and go check on Jace and Clary,” she said, softly kissing his forehead, “I love you.”

Magnus gave Izzy a nod and a half smile as she left the room. The door closed with a faint click leaving him alone in deafening silence. He was scared, exhausted, and his magic was almost depleted. But he would rather die than give up on Alec. He looked over Alec’s injured body, satisfied that the superficial wounds were healing, but not knowing how much damage the poison had done. He turned Alec over onto his side, trying to keep his circulation flowing as normal as he could.

“Alexander,” he whispered, wiping Alec’s brow with a cool, damp washcloth. “Please come back to me.” He poured what was left of his healing magic into him, blue sparks flowing from his fingertips, but Alec still didn’t move. “Please,” he begged, now completely drained, “I don’t know what else to do,” his voice wavered, looking for a flicker of hope anywhere along Alec’s body.

Magnus pulled himself onto the bed, trying to be as still as possible and lay on his side mirroring Alec. He rubbed small circles on his exposed arm, feeling the heat radiating off of his body. _My_ _Alexander_ , he thought possessively, staring at this beautiful man that captured his closed-off heart. He lightly traced the runes on his bare torso, up to his neck, and placed a small kiss on each closed eyelid. “Remember that night on the rooftop in Paris?” he whispered. “You told me again that you loved me that night. I know I didn’t say it back to you but every word of the song I sang to you was as true then as they are now.”

 

 _Alec thrashed around, silk sheets wrapped around his neck, cutting off his breathing_ _until he bolted upright in bed. The nightmare was back, the one where he frantically ran among the slaughtered bodies, looking for Magnus with his heart in his throat after Valentine’s assault on Downworlders. There was so much blood, the panicked eyes of the slain staring back at him as he searched, expecting to find Magnus among the deceased. All for the way they were born._

_“Shhhh, it’s ok Alexander,” Magnus’s strong arms untangled the sheets from around Alec’s neck, wrapping him up in them instead. ”I am right here, it was just a bad dream,” his warmth soothing away Alec’s fears._

_Alec gently touched Magnus’s face, making sure he was real, that he was really there with him. He pulled him into a fierce hug, the tension finally escaping his body, tears falling slowly down his face as he held on tight. “I’m sorry Magnus.”_

_“You don’t ever have to be sorry for loving me, Alexander. I will never fault you for that.” Magnus smiled, trying to lighten the mood, knowing what the nightmare was about. “Hey, I have an idea,” Magnus suggested, “Let’s get out of here, if only for a little while. I was always fond of Paris. I’d love for you to see it with me.”_

_Alec, still sleepy and emotionally worn cracked a crooked half smile, “Yes, yes, I’d love that,” he nodded._

_Peonies filled the night air with their sweet perfume, as the full moon_ lie _low in the clear sky creating the perfect backdrop for the evening. They found a small private rooftop with a great view of the Eiffel Tower. Magnus had already had a few martinis in him when he grabbed Alec’s hand and asked for a dance. Alec blushed, but was happy to oblige, thinking every moment together was a gift from the angels. It was late and the crowds had long disappeared, leaving the two of them alone under Heaven’s watch. Soft music played as they pressed their bodies closer to each other, forgetting about the outside world._

_“This is nice, thank you,” Alec smiled, lightly tracing Magnus’s bottom lip with his thumb as he leaned in for a kiss._

_“Indeed it is,” Magnus sighed, putting his head against Alec’s chest. “It’s okay to take time for ourselves once in a while. There will always be a battle to fight.”_

_“Yes, you’re right about that … and um, Magnus?” Alec pulled back to look at him, only to be met with eyes that shined up at him with so much adoration he felt his heart expand in his chest. “I meant what I said… I love you.”_

_Magnus smiled all the way to his golden brown eyes, that radiant smile that held Alec’s heart. He paused a moment, his forehead wrinkled in contemplation, because just repeating those three words wouldn’t be good enough. With a knowing look in his eye and a snap of his fingers, the tune changed, slow piano keys quietly sounding in the night. As if the man in Alec’s arms wasn’t already good at everything, Magnus gazed up at Alec, a look so reverent he thought he would melt, and started to sing…_

_When the rain is blowing in your face,_  
_And the whole world is on your case_  
_I could offer you a warm embrace_  
_To make you feel my love_  
_When the evening shadows and the stars appear_  
_And there is no one there to dry your tears_  
_I could hold you for a million years_  
_To make you feel my love_  
_I know you haven’t made your mind up yet_  
_But I would never do you wrong_  
_I’ve known it from the moment that we met_  
_No doubt in my mind where you belong._  
_I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue_  
_I’d go crawling down the avenue_  
_There is nothing that I wouldn’t do_  
_To make you feel my love_  
_The storms are raging on the rolling sea_  
_And down the highway of regret_  
_The winds of change are blowing wild and free_  
_You ain’t seen nothing like me yet._  
_There is nothing that I wouldn’t do_  
_Go to the ends of the earth for you_  
_Make you happy, make your dreams come true_  
_To make you feel my love_

 

Magnus sighed, gently nuzzling his head next to Alec’s, still humming in his ear. “I’m just going to rest a while with you, my angel,” he whispered, closing his eyes.

Alec heard the most beautiful voice, like a siren calling him from the deep depths of despair. _His Magnus_ , he remembered, feeling love radiate through his body, stitching his broken heart back together piece by shattered piece. A dull pain was back, but he welcomed it this time, knowing it meant that he was alive. The poison flowing through his veins was gone, cast out by hope, his memories igniting his fight like gasoline to a flame. The demons weren’t going to win this time. He was ready to conquer them with his heart and soul, honoring Ragnor’s words. Alec wasn’t alone after all. The ones closest to his heart depended on him, needed him, loved him. He forged ahead, battle ready, fighting his way out of doubt, away from the negative voices, away from the mental siege, feeling the love that surrounded him and having faith that he wasn’t alone.

“Magnus,” Alec managed a whisper, his throat feeling like sandpaper. His eyes fluttered, struggling to open, his mind not knowing what was real anymore. Magnus was fast asleep next to him, shallow breaths rising and falling from his chest, worry lines spattered on his otherwise flawless skin. All Alec could do was stare, his eyes tracing the line of stubble along Magnus’s jaw to the soft shape of his lips, following down to the hollow of his bare throat. His stomach did a backflip, the butterflies more like hummingbirds, just thinking of how the enchanting man in front of him had slowly won his heart. He knew that if given the chance, he would do anything for Magnus, and he would live every day proving his love to him.

Alec lifted his arm, stiff from being still for so long, and brought his hand to Magnus’s cheek, barely touching the edge of his skin. Magnus’s eyes flew open, “Alexander,” his hushed voice trembled, covering Alec’s hand with his own. “You’re okay. Thank the Angel, I thought I had lost you,” his eyes welled up with tears. He sat up, helping Alec up with him, careful not to reopen his wounds. He wrapped his arms around Alec, pulling him into a soft embrace, his warmth giving off white sparks of magic around the room.

“Am I still dreaming?” Alec wondered out loud. “I thought you were mad at me, that you were done with me,” he leaned back, his questioning eyes meeting Magnus’s. “I am so sorry I lied to you…” he started to cough, his throat grated and torn from the hemorrhaging blood.

“It’s okay, Alexander,” Magnus soothed. “Please don’t talk, you’ve been through a lot. Just rest and listen.” He held onto Alec’s hands swallowing hard before he continued, “I am not going anywhere,” he shook his head, staring straight into Alec’s eyes. “When I saw you there on the roof, bleeding out,” his voice dropped as a tear slipped down his cheek, “I would rather die than endure that type of pain again. Me not loving you would be like trying to shoot out the sun, I know that with absolute certainty. I realized that I don’t have to choose between you and the Downworld. Together, we are better.” Alec brushed the tear from Magnus’s cheek with his thumb, his heart hammering in his chest from the pure emotion in Magnus’s beautiful eyes. “It’s you, Alexander, only you. You have seen everything I hate about myself and have loved me anyway. With you, I’m not broken anymore,” he pulled Alec into another embrace.

Alec held on tight, no longer a piece of driftwood battering against the raging sea. He felt like he had finally come home, tears of relief flowing freely down his face. They stayed like that for a while, lost in the love and comfort of one another, not having to say another word.

A light knock on the door pulled them from their private moment, as Jace came bounding in, followed closely by Clary and Izzy.

“Alec, I felt you come back,” he ran over pulling Alec into a tight hug, Magnus giving them space, well aware of the parabatai bond. “I felt you drifting, Alec, almost out of reach, I thought I was too late,” Jace choked up, “I should have been there for you.”

“Jace, don’t, you're here now,” Alec rasped still clinging onto his brother, “Look at me,” he paused squeezing Jace’s shoulder, “It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere.”

Jace didn’t argue, the understanding between the parabatai unwavering, as he finally relaxed, surrendering a small smile. “Don’t ever scare us like that again. From now on, we patrol together,” he ordered. “And put a damn shirt on you hairy bastard,” he joked, throwing a black tee at him.

Clary inched closer to the bed, offering Alec a tall glass of water, “I am sure you’re going to need this,” she said, “you’ve been out quite a while. I’m glad you’re okay, Alec,” she smiled.

Alec gulped the water, putting the fire out in his throat, “Thank you, Fray,” his eyes met hers with a new respect and understanding in them, “and thank you for taking care of Jace.”

“Hey, I don’t need taking care of,” Jace pouted, crossing his arms in front of his chest, “but what I do need is some shut-eye,” he announced.

Magnus sat back down next to Alec, intertwining their hands together as Izzy came over to embrace them both. She saw the crooked half smile on her brother’s face, the pink rush of blood returned to his cheeks, and couldn’t help but smile herself. “If I had known it would take a near-death experience to bring you two back together, I would have poisoned Alec myself,” she giggled as she held them both. “I love you both so much. Welcome back, big brother. How about I draw you a nice warm bath? You decide if you want to take it alone or not,” she winked.

“Thank you Iz, it’s good to be home,” Alec grinned all the way to his ears, the corner of his eyes crinkling, as he squeezed Magnus’s hand. “As a matter of fact, I want to thank you all, let you know that even when I was unconscious, I could hear you,” his voice was thick with emotion as he looked around the room seeing nothing but caring faces staring back at him. A lump formed in his throat, as more tears filled his eyes. Happy tears, the first in a long time it seemed, feeling the love from everyone in the room.

“Okay, I think it's time we all got some rest,” Magnus clasped his hands together, extending his offer. “Feel free to use the guest rooms, our loft is your loft,” he smiled at Alec, loving the way that sounded. “You all know where everything is. And Jace,” he instructed, “hands off my Grey Goose, the cheap stuff is in the refrigerator. Besides, I heard you have a strange aversion to feathered fowl,” Magnus teased.

“Ha, ha, really funny Magnus,” Jace smirked as he and Clary left the bedroom, arms around each other, exhausted and ready for sleep. Alec was happy that they were finally able to be together. Izzy stood up to leave, letting out a big yawn and running her fingers through her long, black hair. “I’m going to bed too, but after I run that bath for you,” she smiled.

“Wait, Iz.” Alec’s brow crinkled, suddenly remembering something. “Where’s Max?” he asked like he was afraid of what the answer might be.

“Last I knew, he was fast asleep at the Institute after hours of studying the spell book Magnus let him borrow,” she grinned, well aware of her brother’s protective nature. “Don’t worry, he doesn’t know about any of this. But you can’t keep him locked away for long, you know. Ever since his rune ceremony, he’s been itching for his first real mission.”

Izzy turned and walked towards the bathroom, the look of relief returning to Alec’s face. Magnus watched him closely, aware that there were unanswered questions about what really happened on the roof tonight. He didn’t push the subject, knowing Alec would talk to him when he was ready.

Later, after everyone was asleep and the room was cleaned up, Alec and Magnus curled up together beneath the fresh sheets, the warmth of their touching skin radiating their love. Magnus traced the runes on Alec’s back, lingering on the scars once red and raw, faded to a light pink. He shivered thinking back over the last long touch and go hours, as he worked up to Alec’s shoulder, but he could still feel the tension in them.

“Are you okay, Alexander?” Magnus asked quietly, continuing to rub small circles on his back.

Alec was finally back where he belonged, but there was so much still weighing on his mind. He turned over to face Magnus, a slight smile on his face, “I will be,” he sighed, softly bringing his lips to Magnus’s, breathing in the warmth and spice that was home to him. He closed his eyes, wondering how he ever thought that ending his life was the right thing to do, because this was Heaven. He tried to relax and soak it all in, but his own personal purgatory lingered, its memories still raw and fresh.

“Hey, I need to tell you something,” he started, Magnus watching him patiently. “When I was out… I wasn’t quite alone.” Magnus pulled back, a furrowed brow forming on his forehead. Alec continued, “Ragnor was with me, he... showed me a few things.”

Magnus tried to hide his surprise, willing his eyes to not open so wide. He knew that if Ragnor was present in Alec’s unconscious state, that he was pretty much as close to death as one could be. “So, what did that old kook have to reveal? He didn’t tell you any of my secrets now, did he?” Magnus attempted a smile, trying to make light of this new revelation, but deep inside he was scared to death of what might come next.

“No, no, not at all,” Alec shook his head. “He wanted to show me what life would be like without me in it,” he cast his eyes down, subconsciously rubbing his calloused hands together, “What all of your lives would be like without me... Jace, Izzy,” he paused, “you,” he said, barely audible.

Magnus’s heart ached for the man in front of him, realizing that there was more than just one demon tormenting Alec tonight. He took hold of Alec’s hands and brought his knuckles to his lips, giving him space to continue.

“Magnus, I know I made mistakes,” Alec hesitated, trying to find the right words. “Thank you for not giving up on me. Ragnor made me see what is important, that I am important. I see my purpose so clearly now. I want to continue to bring the Downworld together, follow through on changing those archaic Clave laws, finish the work we have started,” he went on passionately, Magnus loving to see this side of him. “Most of all, I want to do it with you by my side, as long as you’ll have me,” his voice trailed off.

Alec’s brief moment of uncertainty was cut short by Magnus’s soft lips on his again and he threw it aside, surrendering to his feelings, kissing back with everything he had.

“Alexander, we’re in this together, don’t you doubt it for one second.” Alec smiled and for once it was enough, he was enough, and he was finally at peace.

Magnus ran his fingers through the dark hair on Alec’s head, watching him breathe as he slept, his face finally relaxed and comfortable. He knew he would never tire of this and knew he would do whatever it takes to fight for their “forever.” Magnus’s own heart was full, his soul belonging to the heart of gold in front of him. He smiled as he peered outside into the night sky, the golden moon shining beams of hope down upon them. “Thank you Ragnor,” he whispered, wrapping Alec up in his arms, knowing he would love this man until his immortal heart stopped beating.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to give credit to Bob Dylan for his beautiful lyrics - one of the inspirations for this story. I heard "Make you feel my love" sung by Garth Brooks and immediately saw Magnus singing it to Alec. I know Adele also sings a beautiful version. I also want to thank my Malec Fic writers group for inspiring me and "unlocking something in me." You know who you are. Forgive me if I didn't tag correctly, I am learning. Thank you for reading!


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